Mom started chemo today.

Mom started chemotherapy today. She said it wasn't as bad as surgery, so that's good.

She seems to be staying positive. I love my mom, and sometimes I wonder what she did to deserve this. I know it's not about deserving it or not deserving it, but man, sometimes life is so unfair.

I'm just trying to stay upbeat and positive for her. F*ck what everyone else says and thinks. If they think I'm taking the situation lightly, or don't give a sh*t about my mom... well, they can kiss my ass. My mom and I share a bond that no one else does. I have nothing to prove, to anyone. So, I'm just going to do my own thing, and be there for my mom.

Anyways, her next chemotherapy session is on February 14. I told her I want to go with her, and be her support. I guess my mom is going to be my valentine this year! ;)

Love.

I have to admit, ever since I moved into the new house, I haven't been walking the dogs as much as I did at the apartment. I guess it's because now I have a fenced in back yard, so I just let them out back to run off some energy & go potty. The weather was nice out, so I took both the girls on a long walk. I think we were out for about an hour and a half. Yes, they pulled like sled dogs, but the walk was so enjoyable. The girls were happy. I was happy. It was a good day.

I got back, and checked my e-mail to see that David responded. I sent him an e-mail about getting a dining room set, and a treadmill, and just an update on the house, girls, etc. His responses are normally pretty short, which this one was as well, but just seeing a simple "I miss you!!!" and "Love you" put such a big smile on my face. My cheeks still hurt.

I've been staying in a lot, other than getting coffee with friends here and there, for a few reasons. One, my garage is so annoying!!! I can open/close it from the inside, but not the outside. So, anytime I want to leave my house, I have to open the garage, pull my car out, close it from inside, and go back in the house to leave through the front door. And two, because I'm still not working right now, so anytime I go out, I'm spending David's money. I know I know... what's his is mine and what's mine is his, but I still feel guilty. It's one thing if I'm using the joint account for groceries, stuff for the dogs, or house stuff... but I just feel like I'm abusing it when I go out for lunch with friends and use the joint account. David reassured me that it was okay, and it was the least he could do for me holding things down at home.

Seriously, I am the luckiest girl in the world. I can't even put into words how much I love my man. I can't wait for him to finish this deployment and come home. This house is so lonely and empty without him. I love you babe!!!

Well, back to sending out my resume and applying to jobs. I stopped working for my dad on December 17. So, it's been over a month of being jobless. This is the longest that I have been unemployed, and I hate it. Mainly, because it's making me lazy, and I need the money. I just have to keep sending out my resume, hope for the best, and not give up!!!

It's not a cold; it's cancer.

I'm getting really f*cking sick and tired of EVERYONE telling me I'm a bad daughter. I have absolutely nothing to prove. You think because I'm smiling that everything is okay? Just because I'm not crying 24/7 doesn't mean I don't care. Yes, I know she has CANCER. It's a serious situation. I am in no means, trying to make light of the situation; simply trying to stay positive for my mom, as she asked me to do.

It's just so hurtful to hear people accusing me of being a bad daughter. When she had NO ONE; when my dad was abusing her (verbally & physically), lashing out at her, when my sister was kicked out of the house because of rebelling (I don't want to get into detail), she came to ME. She told me I was the ONLY person she could turn to. So, you know what? If anything, my mom and I share a bond that NO ONE else in the family does.

The two people I love more than anything, are David and my mom. I would do absolutely anything for them. (MAYBE even eat a tomato!!!) Those two people are my WORLD; one has cancer, and the other is in Iraq. Life sure sucks sometimes, doesn't it?

Sigh. I love you both so very much. I'm so thankful to have you both in my life. ♥

I've been knitting/crocheting all my negative energy away, since I don't have a treadmill yet. I knit my mom a scarf, and Kitsune & Juju new collars. They'll have these on until I get a chance to ship ThePoochStore my custom fabric for their collars to be made. Well, back to knitting/crocheting while I watch The Dog Whisperer, then snuggle session with my Shiba girls.

These are the fabrics I bought for Kitsune & Juju's custom collars. The top one is for Kitsune, middle is for Juju, and the pink camouflage is for their martingale collars. Pink camo because they support their daddy. Go Army!

Do all Shibas love snow? Well, mine do!

Bye Mr. Kang!

I feel the need to update about the house situation, more specifically, Mr. Kang.

To make a long story short, Mr. Kang is/was/whatever an employee of my father. My dad may be a hard boss (have you read my previous entries?? haha) but he compensates for it. He was paying Mr. Kang one-thousand dollars EVERY week, and when I moved into my home (last Monday), my dad was paying him even more, to paint the house, and do the little repairs. Well, he didn't do anything by the time I moved in. But that's a whole other topic.

Anyways, he's moving back home tomorrow!!! He was originally going to rent the basement until David returned from his deployment. But, things just were not going well (business wise) between him and my dad. So, he decided to move back home. I am thrilled!!! Although, having a house all to myself is a bit lonely.

At first, my friends and I felt sorry for him. But, it's because he purposely made it seem like his life was so horrible and sad. He WANTED people to feel sorry for him. The more I got to know him, I realized he was a 'mooch' that loves to take advantage of people. First of all, he asked me to borrow money a few nights ago. Yes, only thirty dollars, but 1) I don't have a job right now, and 2) what about the $1,000/week?? WTF. Also, he's such an idiot. Any and every time friends come over, he is constantly asking them to look at his computer. I call him an idiot, because he's made the same mistakes, over and over again. Dumb ass. Whatever.

Okay, well I don't want to end this post on a bitter note...

I got a very important document in the mail today! I wish I could say what... ;)

Love.

I'm sitting in my new home, listening to Bruno Mars, and I feel happy. Yes, it's been quite the eventful past few weeks--mom, home, work, school--but I feel very thankful, and happy.

Last night, David and I were Skyping. We video chatted for almost two hours, and after we "signed off," I realized we were both laughing the entire time. We talked about him being overseas, and how it's so common for military wives/significant others to cheat while their husbands are overseas, stuff going on in the news, stuff about the house... and whether we were talking about serious topics or just missing each other, we were both in such high spirits. Then, he sent me something that just made me smile...

He sent me a "wish list" that he made on Amazon. It was eight pages, two of which were "gaming chairs." I scrolled through pages of dining room tables, bed frames, dressers and other things for the house. Then, a few things caught my eye. On the list was a picture frame that said, "daddy's girl" which he said, was for a picture of him and Kitsune (our first Shiba Inu; our first dog). Also on the list was a pink desk lamp. Why are these significant? They're just little things that in a very subtle way, show me that he's thinking about us, and miss us. To anyone else, they may be random materialistic things, but to me, it's him showing me that he's thinking about us. It definitely made me smile.

I'm losing my focus because Juju just ran in the computer room, looked at me, and then ran out. What a little weirdo/cutie. I can't believe she will be 1 next month! Boy, time sure flies.

Anyways, back to what I was saying . . .

Babe: I don't know if you even read this thing, but if you do, I hope you know just how thankful and appreciative I am of you. We may not be your typical, PDA showing, mushy-gushy couple, but you have your subtle ways to show me you care, and I notice. I know I've had my weak moments and hated this deployment, but deep inside, I know it's making us both stronger (as a couple, and as individuals) and you are doing it for us; our future. Thank you. I miss you so much, but soon enough, you'll be home, and we can start out lives together. I love you sweetie. Just a few more months!

Home.

Where do I start?

It's been an eventful and productive past few days. I'm finally getting over my cold. I caught a horrible cold over the weekend, along with cold sores on my lips from exhaustion & stress. Yuck.

Mr. Kang has been slacking on the painting, so dad hired someone new. I think his name is Melvin? or Elvin? Very nice, soft spoken Spanish guy. He's very quick and his work is really neat. He finished painting most of the bedroom and bathroom today. I think he should be done by tomorrow, which means I can move all my furniture in by Friday morning (latest).

The office is finally set up, and because Kitsune & Juju have been getting anxious anytime I walk away, I put up a baby gate, and they stay in here when I'm using the computer. They seem to like it. Actually, they love it. I set up a portable soft crate with a bed inside, and brought up a few of their toys. Once Melvin/Elvin finishes the bedroom, I'll probably let them sleep in here since the kitchen will be getting painted (which is where their crates are). David doesn't allow dogs in the bedroom, and if I kept them in there, they would be going up and down the loft-closet. Yeah, I don't really want to deal with that...

I've been sending out my resume like crazy. I found one for an animal hospital, super close to home (10-15 minutes away!) and it sounds awesome. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I NEED a job, ASAP. I need to get out of the house and DO something, and well, I have a $6,000 credit card balance that needs to be paid off! I was hoping to get right back into school, but with my mom's situation, and dad's business being a little slow right now, it may be tough to shell out $1,700 every 5 weeks for classes. I'll have to talk to him about that. My parents support my education 100% but I don't want them to struggle.

I want to end this update with a huge * THANK YOU * to the love of my life, Sgt David Kim. He is my ROCK. I don't know what I would do without him. He is too good to me. I love you baby! I can't wait until this deployment is over so you can come home and we can start our lives together. I miss you so much, and the house is so lonely/empty without you. Sending positive thoughts & lots of love your way! ♥

Apparently, I'm a bad daughter.

So... according to the whole world, I'm a horrible daughter for not visiting my mom at the hospital after her surgery.

First of all, I did not have any information about her surgery. All I knew was that she was going on Thursday, and that's it. I tried contacting my dad several times, but no response until the actual surgery was over. He text messaged me saying, "mom's in recovery now." I didn't want to see her Thursday because she was exhausted and so many people already went to go see her, my in-laws included. When my mother-in-law didn't see me at the hospital, she felt the need to call me multiple times throughout the day to remind me what a horrible person I am for not being there for my mom. Even if I wanted to see her that day, I didn't have any information about where she was at. I had no clue which hospital, which building, and which room she was at.

Last night, after my sister told me my mom was at INOVA, I called the hospital saying I was her daughter, asking for her information. Unfortunately, visitor hours were done for the day. So, I went to bed planning on going to see her in the morning and possibly bringing her home.

I called my dad to make sure she was still there, because I didn't want to show up for no reason, but of course, he didn't answer his phone. I text messaged him multiple times, and same thing. Finally, he picked up the phone, saying I didn't have to come because he was already there, and just hung up. Great. Thanks dad.

And mind you, this is after multiple unanswered phone calls to multiple family members. So guys, it's not like I didn't try.

I let that go, and was planning on seeing her tomorrow at the house, after she's well rested and settled back in at home, but of course, a few people had to call me and remind me what a shitty daughter I am. Again, thanks guys.

I just want to say a big FUCK YOU to all you guys that want to label me as a bad daughter. Really? Do you guys know that when my mom felt isolated from her husband and other daughter, that I was the ONLY person she turned to? Do you guys know that she told me she feels like she only has me, and that she feels closer to me than her husband? Do you guys know that she calls me her favorite daughter? Yeah, probably not. I really don't need to hear this bullshit from you guys.

If you don't have anything nice to say, then keep it to yourself, and fuck off.

Fuck you, cancer.

I wanted to update about the past two weeks I spent with David, but there's more important things to talk about now... I'll update about our time together in another post... when I'm feeling more up-beat.

My mom called me earlier this evening and said she wanted to come over to the apartment with my dad and sister because she wanted to, "talk." So, they did.

I'll cut to the chase -- my mom has breast cancer.

When my mom told me, I just sat there, looking at my hands, cold, frozen, numb. While my dad looked gently at her, and my sister sobbed, I was numb. They were only here for about 30 minutes, and then left. When they left, the waterworks began.

My mom was scheduled to have her spinal surgery this upcoming Thursday because of her severe slip disc. She has had several epidural + steroid shots, and gone to physical therapy for over a year, but things just worsened. Now, that surgery has been postponed, and the breast cancer is the bigger issue. She's having surgery this Thursday to remove the tumor, along with 6+ months of chemotherapy. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers. She is my world. ♥

David just left for the remaining 6 months of his deployment in Iraq, so I'm stuck moving alone. I didn't shed a tear when he left because I wanted to be strong. I was doing okay, until tonight... now, I'm overwhelmed with emotion.

I'm going to keep this post short. Too many things going through my mind...

I love you mom. Stay strong.