New e-mail address.

I went from kimmie.letarde@Gmail.com over to kimmieee.kim@Gmail.com -- if you're close enough to me, you know exactly why... if not for the obvious reasons. Anyways, this blog is linked to my old e-mail -- does anyone know how to change this? I tried going into "My Account" but no luck! Someone, help!

Military career or family life?

Can soldiers have both?

I have so much respect for soldiers. What they do is entirely selfless, and I cannot put into words how much appreciation I have for them. Not to sound selfish, but what happens to the wives and families back home? The wives are sacrificing their wants and needs, and waiting around for their husbands to return home. Let's not forget the worrying--whether your soldier is working in an office overseas, or on the front lines, you will worry. There is no doubt about that.

On the flip side: what happens to the dynamic between a couple when the soldier wants to keep serving, but the wife wants to start a family and settle down? It's a lose-lose situation, isn't it? (Or is that me being super negative?) If the husband continues his military career, the wife is left alone and has to put her wants/needs to the side. If the husband does not continue with his military career and settles in to family life at home, will he end up resenting his wife and wondering what life would have been like if he re-enlisted?

I'm curious to see how other military wives feel about this topic...

Loss for words.

For once, I am actually at a loss for words. Actually, one word comes to mind: disappointment. I feel like I can't trust anyone anymore. The more I put down my walls and go out of my way for people, the more I get taken advantage of and look like a goddamn fool. What do I do? Sigh.

I can't breathe...

It feels like my heart is in my throat...

It's been one hell of a year.

It has been one hell of a year. Let me recap:

David got deployed to Iraq. This has been one of the hardest years of my life. So much has happened, and I have been separated from David for almost one year. One year doesn't seem like a long time, but in that year, we got our second puppy, we purchased our very first home, something special happened in December*, mom got cancer, his grandfather turned 100, I got a new job, and so on. It's been incredibly tough not having him by my side, but like everyone said--it has made me stronger. I feel like this deployment has not only made me stronger, but also my relationship with David. Once he's home, and I can hug and kiss him, I know that this year will have been worth every single tear that I shed.

David and I purchased our first home!!! Own, not rent!! Who would have thought, right? We are so thankful for all our parents did for us. We couldn't have done it without them. I had a lot of complaints when I first moved in (our home was a short-sale and had a number of repairs...), but I love our home. Finally, it's not a house--it's a home. There are still issues here and there, but what house is perfect... right?

Mom got diagnosed with breast-cancer. Yes, this was a shocker. It was so unexpected too. I thought my whole world was falling apart--my other half is in Iraq, and now my mother, my best-friend.. has cancer? My mom is superwoman. Let me tell you... she has surprised everyone! She is kicking cancer's ass, and being tough through the chemotherapy. She's almost done with her chemotherapy (let me add, she has not thrown up ONCE through treatment!!!), and when David comes home, she'll be starting radiation. God, I love her so much. ♥

My Shiba Inus.

KITSUNE is a spayed female Shiba Inu. DOB is 07/10/2009. She is very small for her breed at only 13 pounds. She used to be very dominant, until Juju came into the picture. She is very "weird." She'll just stare at you, and if you don't give her affection, she'll throw a little fit. She'll squirm around on the ground, while she grunts. She is very food motivated, and will sometimes whine because she gets so excited over treats. She knows how to: sit, lay down, stay, come, give you her paw, give you a high five, and back up. She's very good on a leash; barely any pulling. When we're at home, she is submissive to her younger Shiba-sibling. When we're out, she is the more dominant one. She loves all people. She approaches people in a very sweet way and will ask for pets. She is an attention-hog and wins the hearts of many. She's good with kids; they can pull on her tag, be rough with her, but she remains sweet and calm. She used to be so good with all dogs (big or small) and went to the dog park five days a week--she ran around with the Rottweilers, rolled around with the Pit Bulls, and race the Grey Hounds & Whippets. One day last summer, she got attacked by five dogs (Pit Bulls and Labs--nothing against either breed, just mentioning so you can get an idea of the size difference) and lost a lot of confidence. She used to be very skiddish and snappy towards other dogs. Slowly, her confidence is coming back, but she is still weary of new dogs. She tenses up around other dogs very easily, and tends to snap if they get "in her face." Overall, she is a very affectionate (towards people) dog, good with tricks, but still unsure of other dogs.



JUJU is a spayed female Shiba Inu. Her DOB is 02/22/2010. She is 17/18 pounds and built more stocky than her Shiba-sibling Kitsune. She is the more dominant dog, at home. She plays very rough (which Shiba owners say is very typical for the breed) and is very vocal. She is the more obedient dog of the two--with or without treats. She is food aggressive, and possessive of her toys. If she is playing with a toy, and Kitsune tries to take it, she will growl at her. During feeding time, whether separated or together, Juju growls and lunges at her Shiba-sibling on a daily basis. When we're out, she becomes very shy towards new people. She does not like to be pet by strangers, and will back away, but never bites. I've noticed that she will watch Kitsune to see how she acts towards people, and will sometimes copy her behavior. She is very affectionate with people she knows, but when people come over, she gets so excited that she jumps up on them and nips their butt. She pulls like a sled dog on walks, but is very responsive to a firm "leash tug." She is curious when it comes to other dogs, but a bit shy. On walks, if we run into another dog, Kitsune's energy tends to rub off on her. Overall, Juju is a very cuddly dog (to people she knows), shy towards strangers/new dogs, and "bad" (for lack of a better word) during feeding time.



I love both my girls equally. Both of my 'inus' have been through beginner & obedience class, and I exercise them vigorously. I have read many books, many dog magazines, am a part of many Shiba Inu groups and forums, and looked up numerous websites regarding these quirky behaviors, but remain frustrated. I work so hard to train them, but it seems like it's always "1 step forward, 2 steps back" with them. I am trying to stay positive and not lose hope, but that's easier said than done. They are my babies, my world, but when they act up, especially in public, I get so embarrassed...

I should be studying...

I just got out of the shower and I should be studying, but I thought I'd post a quick blog entry while my hair dries...

Work was great on Friday! I can't stress how friendly everyone at the office is! Thank God, especially since there are 200+ employees there! After work, I stopped by home to let the 'inus' out and took them over to my parents' house. After hanging out for a bit, I took them with me to Starbucks to meet up with Rifqa (& Wolverine), Hieu, and Gina (& Lando, Gido & Mochi). Can you believe we were there with five dogs? (4 of them were Shibas! teehee) The weather was gorgeous, the dogs were well behaved (for the most part...) and it's always good to see Gina & her "pack." (She just radiates calm and positive energy.)

Kitsune surprised me two times...

1 When I let her and Wolverine meet (Juju approached but just walked away...) they were nose-to-nose (which I hear is very "rude" in the animal world; dogs usually sniff from behind to say "hello") for 5-10 seconds before Kitsune snapped at him! Wolverine didn't do ANYTHING. He was very calm and just sat there. I'm wondering why she did that...

2 When Gina & Lando came up with Gido & Mochi, I took the girls to say "hello." Kitsune was super excited to see them--airplane ears, tall wagging and everything!!! After an hour of sitting outside with everyone, I took out some treats to give them all (after they sat politely of course!) and Kitsune got riled up and started "nipping" Juju's mouth (she does this from time-to-time). Then, out of no where, she nipped Mochi's nose!!! I'm not sure if he was "in her way" or what, but I am still confused as to why she did that.

Kitsune's confidence has gone up, and she has improved overall, but she does these things here and there that confuse me, and make me feel like it's always going to be "1 step forward, 2 steps back" with her. Sigh.

Friends.

No one is perfect. There are things about everyone that will be irritating/annoying. There are things about my friends (even the closest ones) that annoy me, and I am sure as hell there are many things about me that annoy my friends.

So, what constitutes "talking shit?"

If something about someone bothers me, and I confide in one of my best-friends about it, but not approach the person directly, does this mean I am "talking shit" about them? I personally think that sometimes when you directly approach people about what's bothering you, it can cause problems. This has happened to me numerous times...

There have been a few instances that I have approached close friends about things that have been bothering me, and after we talk things out and things seem to be okay, all of a sudden we become distant. What's up with that?

Maybe I should just learn to be more accepting and keep things to myself. But that's not me (the "keeping things to myself" part). I've always been one to be very open and communicate. But, I guess there are just some things that I have to "shake off" and let go.

My new job...

The 'inus' (Kitsune & Juju) are snoring behind me while I'm typing this. After work, I fed them then took them on an hour long walk. The weather was b-e-a-utiful. They actually did really well too, and didn't pull as much as they normally do. They even let a dog run up to them and said "hello."

Today was my seventh day at work, and so far, so good. My first week was extremely overwhelming. I am used to working with under ten people, and at my job, there are over two hundred and forty employees! Nuts, right? Thankfully, everyone is extremely nice. I'm finally starting to get the hang of things, and slowly learning people's names. I know it seems a bit early to know, but I love my job, and I really like the people I work with.

Changing topics, mom started a different type of chemotherapy this past Monday. We found out Monday morning that the reason she was feeling so sick and getting a bad reaction was because she is allergic to the taxol (the type of chemo. she was on)!!! Ridiculous, right? Maybe I'm being too harsh, because I know that doctors make mistakes... but OH MY GOD. I was furious when I found out. Thankfully, mom is doing really well this week and taking the new chemotherapy much better. She is a trooper. She really is.

And while I'm on the topic of family, it has been six days since Koko died. Koko was our first family dog, and lived for fifteen long years. Not to mention, she was spoiled for every single day she lived. She was suffering... and passed away in peace. I miss her, and I know my mom misses her a lot too. She's in doggy heaven now, and can eat all the treats she wants. <3

Okay, well it's time for Greys Anatomy. I really hope there's a new episode on tonight. *fingers crossed* Afterwards, I'll probably finish up my participation for school, take a bubble bath, and call it a night. I am so happy tomorrow is Friday.

♥ 9 MORE WEEKS UNTIL SGT. KIM IS HOME!!! ♥

Happiness.

I need to find something that makes me happy, because to be honest, I'm not.

Random rants.

Just a few things I need to get off my chest...
And yes, this is going to be a pretty negative entry.

- I am only one person & I can only do so much.
- Seriously?!
- Why are some people so fucking lazy?
- Some people never change.
- I do too much for people.
- I have so many questions.
- You have no idea how good you have it.
- Certain people are starting to really annoy me.
- I really do NOT like mixing my groups of friends.
- I made my friends list private on FB for a reason.
- People have no clue WHY I love my dogs so much.

Happy birthday, Sgt. Kim ♥

Happy twenty-eighth birthday to the love of my life, and my best-friend, Sgt. David Kim! Unfortunately, he's in Iraq for his birthday this year, so we can't celebrate. Less than three months until he's back home!!! It's been a long year, and a hard one to say the least, but like everyone said, this deployment has brought us closer and made us stronger; as a couple and individually. I love you baby, and I am so happy that you are a part of my life. Happy birthday! I hope your Army buddies don't give you birthday punches!

Cherry blossoms + Shiba Inus!!!

Shan took me & the "inus" to see the cherry blossoms in DC today. (How appropriate--Japanese dogs to see Japanese trees!!) It was a great day and the weather was absolutely beautiful. The girls were absolutely exhausted, but had just as much fun as I did. :]

Instagram.

The Instagram app. is pretty cool.

Food aggression is not fun.

Feeding time
After feeding time

I've been working at this for over 6 months now...
Someone... please help.

My two favorite (dog) leashes.

Ever since hubby and I got "our own" dogs (our two Shiba Inus, Kitsune & Juju), I have tried out numerous leashes. We started off with the basic nylon leashes when the girls were puppies (since they're cheap, and available everywhere). As they grew older, I started taking them everywhere with me, and wanted "cuter" and better quality leashes. Everyone teases me because I have so many products for the girls, but I think I've finally found my "every day" leashes.

The Pooch Store's paracord leash (pictured: pink & camo)


When I first saw this leash, I loved how it was customizable. You can pick and choose up to four different colors (although, I personally think two colors work best). It is one of the strongest leashes out there. Surprisingly enough, it's extremely light weight. One of my favorite options about the leash is the trigger hook. I prefer trigger hooks over the standard ones. Overall, I give this leash a 9.5 out of 10. The only downfall is that the handles are a little harsh on your wrists IF your dog is a puller. This leash would be a perfect 10/10 if your dog walks nice on a leash. My girls pull like sled dogs (thank God they are small...) so it's a little harsh, especially on cold days. For being a custom leash, the paracord leash is very affordable. I love this leash, and use it almost every day.

Wacky walk'r's Urban leash (pictured: pink & silver)


I just bought this leash at the super pet expo yesterday. It's a little pricey at almost $25 each. I love the color options (I have a pink one, and a silver so hubby has a neutral color) and the length options. The handles are nylon, and the main part of the leash is made out of latex. So far, so good. It's nice for just walking around, but as far as corrections go (such as a slight tug), it's not great since the latex is bungee/stretchy. This would be a great leash for a hike or a nice long walk around DC. So far, so good.

loves of my life.

They drive me crazy, almost every day, but I love them to death. They are the loves of my life. What would I do without them? They have made me laugh through one of the hardest years of my life. I love them so much. Best. Dogs. Ever. ♥

Frédéric Chopin... you are absolutely amazing.

Chopin, Piano Concerto No.1 Op.11 E Minor 2nd Movement
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FSSx9Z7-dJQ

Ever since I was young, I have always loved classical music. It's timeless; I don't know what other way to put it. I started playing piano when I was around three or four years old, and stopped playing a little before I graduated highschool -- a total of almost fifteen years. Now that I'm older, I still love classical music. I listen to it in the mornings when I drive, I listen to it when I study, and funny enough -- I listen to it when I work out. It's so soothing. And I would have to say, my favorite composer is Chopin. I love his Nocturnes and Concertos.

Anyways, there's actually a lot more that's on my mind than classical music right now, but let's end this entry on a positive note, yes?

The weather is supposed to be in the 70's tomorrow. I already painted my toenails pink (to match my nails!) so I can wear my Birkenstock sandals tomorrow. I'm ready to leave the house (tomorrow) in my sandals, with the girls (Kitsune & Juju), and spend the day with my mom. God, I love her.

Job hunt.

I have been sending out my resume like crazy lately. I have been applying to 3-5 jobs every day. I love my schedule now a days -- I wake up, grab coffee, take the dogs to my parents' house, spend the day with my mom, come home to study, walk/feed the dogs, then sleep. It's been really nice to be able to spend all this time with my mom, and have all this time to focus on school, but in less than 3 months, hubby will be home and we BOTH need to work.

I have mixed feelings about working again. Don't get me wrong -- I could definitely use the money, and quite frankly, I miss having somewhere to be and something to do during the day, but DAMN, I'm going to miss hanging out with my mom all day. I mean, yeah, I'll be able to see her on the weekends, but I won't be able to see her as often. I've been looking for PT work, but a close friend of mine got me an interview at a really nice company. Technically, it's still PT but it's a little more than I wanted to work during the week. I can't complain too much because I get Monday's off (so I can be with my mom on her chemo/radiation days), and it's a damn good company. I have my fingers crossed, extra tight. Interview is on Tuesday. In the mean time, I'm still sending out my resume.

I am nervous and excited about hubby coming home. I'm so nervous because neither of us are working right now, and well, I haven't seen him in a long time. But more than that, I am over the moon excited to have my man home!!! I cannot believe (almost) one year has gone by. I could definitely use the help around the house, with the dogs, and wedding planning. Not to mention, I just miss him so damn much. It'll be nice to go to bed together, and wake up together. I miss that feeling, so fucking much.

Okay, well back to studying. I've been so distracted lately. I need to get my butt back in focus... I need to kick ass in school, be a great daughter & wife, be a responsible dog owner, and lose some friggin' weight so I look damn amazing in my wedding dress!!!

Laughter truly is the best medicine.

I love seeing my mom smile/laugh. Seriously. I love her so much.

3 more months!!!

3 more months!!! 90 more days!!! My hubby is coming home soon!!!

It's already March? Time is flying by.

Is it really March already? I can't believe how fast the time has gone by. The weather will get warmer soon, Super Pet Expo is coming up, then Cherry Blossoms, then David's grandfather's 100th birthday, then in a few months, David is coming home! Yippie!!! My soldier is finally coming home!!! ♥

I woke up this morning to the smell of Kitsune's diarrhea, IN MY ROOM. Yuck. Actually, my roommate woke me up around 1:30 in the morning because she smelled it from her room. It was THAT bad! And a few days before that, Kitsune's farts were so loud that we probably could have heard it from the basement. Poor dog has an upset stomach from the new lamb treats. She's been having soft poopies for almost four days now. I stopped by Safeway earlier today to pick up some canned pumpkin (the vet said it firms up stool), but they were all out. I let her out to potty a few hours ago, but nothing. I literally chased her around the yard to go too! So... if I wake up to the smell of poop again, she's dead meat. Seriously. It's going to be dog stew for dinner. (I mean... I am Korean, teehee)

I went over to my parents' house earlier today to take Koko (family pet; 15 year old Maltese) to the vet for her bleeding mouth. Afterwards, I spent some time with my mom (who is doing GREAT) and aunt. Then, ran over to Starbucks for my coffee and read my book for a little while. When I came home, I took the girls for a walk because 1) they're way too freaking hyper and need to calm the f*ck down, and 2) it was so damn nice outside. When I got back, I sent out resumes for a bit (I pretty'd it up and formatted it into a PDF file), and then Dan came over to hang out for a few hours. After he left, my roommate came home and we both went over to my parents' house for dinner. Korean food - yum.

Now, I'm sitting at the computer... completely UN-focused. I started off listening to music while reading my chapters for class, taking notes, making an outline for my paper that is due on Monday... then started working on my resume again, then sending them out to other jobs, and somehow I ended up on here! Hello... I'm Kimmie - queen of TMI and ADD.

Anyways, I've been trying to get to bed earlier so I don't sleep in until 3PM and waste the day. It's been working out, kind of. I slept at midnight last night, and woke up at 7AM. I felt great and well rested... but then... I looked over at Kitsune & Juju... and they looked so cute & comfortable, so I fell back asleep until 10AM. Meh, it could have been worse, right? ;)

Here's some daily Shiba love for you.
These were taken after our afternoon walk earlier today.

I used to have the (close to) perfect dog.

Today, I brought Kitsune with me to Intermediate obedience class instead of Juju. (I swap them every other week) I leave Kitsune at home on the Saturday's that my roommate doesn't have class, since her separation anxiety is so bad. Yes, Kitsune still whines and cries, but at least she has somebody with her.

She was her normal self (outside her home environment); tense, snappy and not all focused.

It's so frustrating because she used to be the perfect dog! Well, close to perfect. Or (and I hate to sound so stereotypical Shiba owner...) perfect, for a Shiba. David and I worked our asses off when we got her. (She's OUR first dog!) We vigorously exercised her, had her on a very strict schedule, and heavily socialized her by taking her everywhere with us & taking her to the dog park five days a week. We read all the "Shiba stereotypes" and wanted to make sure she was NONE of them... well, at least the negative ones. We read that Shibas are known to be weary of strangers, dog aggressive, mouthy, etc. She has always been wonderful with people (as much as I hate Petland for having "puppy mill puppies" I do have to say, one good thing is that their puppies are very well people-socialized since so many people go in there to play with them), and played well with other dogs (whether it be a Maltese or a Great Dane). Then, one day she got attacked by five dogs, and well, she started becoming fearful, pretty much of the world.

When she's at home, she's great. Yes, sometimes she has random spurts of energy, but other than that (and her separation anxiety), she's a great dog overall. When I take her out on walks and we run into other dogs (or at Petsmart when I buy supplies or during obedience class), she tenses up, ears back, head low, shakes sometimes, and if a dog gets too close, she snaps! It's hard to describe... not so much like a "BITE" but more like, a quick HEY back off. But, of course it's embarrassing to me (I want to be a responsible dog owner!) and other owners make freak out, even though she's small.

The biggest reason why I'm so frustrated is because I work my ass off to train and socialize her. And, I shouldn't really care what others think, but I'll admit it; I do. When I bring her out, and have to hold her leash tight so she stays close, and owners walk by wondering why I'm holding a little dog back as if she were vicious, I'm embarrassed. I hate having to tell people "my dog's not nice" (because she really is!!!) but sometimes it's the only way they will back off and give her space. Usually, if I tell them that my dog is a little nervous and skiddish around other dogs, they continue to push their dog in Kitsune's face, and say, "he just wants to say hello." Well, my dog doesn't want to say hello. I don't want to avoid all dogs, because that's just avoiding the issues, but I'm at a loss.

What do I do?

With all that, I haven't even begun to write about Juju. I love that dog to death! I really do. And I feel so guilty for all the times I blamed her for Kitsune's behavioral issues, and how I threatened to give her away or drop her off at the pound. That was just moments of weakness and placing the blame somewhere else. I would have been HEARTBROKEN (David and Kitsune too!) if I really would have given her up. It's definitely harder having two dogs, let alone, two Shiba Inus. Not because it's double the cost, but because behavioral issues CAN and WILL come up, and it may turn another dog's training backwards. I think it would be easier if David was home, but it was MY idea to get Shiba #2 so quickly. So, I have to suck it up, and deal with it. I just have to *BREATHE* and be calm and assertive (I love you Cesar Millan!), instead of being highstrung, bitchy and constantly tense.

There's a lot more I want to write, but I'll have to stop now. I can hear Juju running around like a little maniac downstairs, and poor Kitsune has the squirts. I bought a roll of the treats that Carol (dog trainer) uses, but I think it's a little too meaty for Kitsune, because she has diarrhea now. I should have just started off giving her a little bit, but I put chunks in their dinner tonight, and have been very generous with treats tonight. Hopefully no poopie accidents in the house tonight *fingers crossed.

*SMILE* mommy!

My mom's 48th birthday is this Saturday, but I decided to let her open her present a little early, since my sister is leaving for Korea tomorrow. Well, my mom cried her eyes out when she opened it. I didn't mean for her to cry!!!

The jewelry box reads:

My Mom,
My Bestfriend,
Love, Kimberly.

I am a little sleep deprived--pulled an all nighter. I do have to say, today was a very productive day. I spent the first few hours of the morning with my mom, went to the mall with my aunt and bought my cousin a graduation gift, stopped by the Apple store to get a replacement IPhone (none in stock so I have to go back, but at least I'm getting a new phone!), got coffee with Dan, then came home to K&J. I've been studying and doing school work but I am EXHAUSTED. I think I may have to take a bubble bath and call it an early night.

Exhausted, but in a great mood. I love you mommy!! xoxo. ♥

Happy 1st birthday Juju! ♥

I cannot believe how fast the time has gone by! It seems like just yesterday, David and I were in Virginia Beach with Kitsune, holding shy little Juju for the first time.

I had sprang the idea of getting Shiba #2 during the drive to Virginia beach *evil laugh* David had NO idea! Everyone told us it was too soon to get another dog, let alone, another Shiba, but we proved them wrong.

Juju has definitely kept me on my toes. It was easy-breezy in the beginning. The girls got along great, and she was so small (ehem, manageable!)... As she got older, she became the more dominant one, her and Kitsune started to play very rough, the food aggression popped up, and Juju was no longer 5 pounds--she was 20 (okay, 18... but close enough!).

There were times when I screamed, and yelled, and regretted bringing Juju home. I was overwhelmed (especially since we got her months before David deployed to Iraq, so it was pretty much me raising her on my own... but then again, wasn't it MY idea to get dog #2 so quickly? yeah...) but I love her to death and am so happy she is a part of the "Kim family."

The reason we brought Juju into our home, was solely to be a companion for Kitsune. Yes, I admit, at times I favored Kitsune, but Juju has a special place in my heart. I mean, come on... Kitsune is a daddy's girl, and Juju is DEFINITELY a mama's girl. ;) I love her crazy maniac puppy energy at 10PM, I love how she grunts anytime I pick her up, I love how she sighs when she's tired, and how she snuggles up with me every single night... She is no longer Juju-baby... she's Juju-monster! She's my little rascal.

Happy 1st birthday Juju! Mama loves you! And if daddy were home, I'm sure he would give you lots and lots of treats, and maybe some xoxo's. ♥

Weekend update?

Hm... I haven't updated in a few days. Where do I start?

FRIDAY: Dan, Dennis & Rifqa came over. The weather was so nice, so I took the girls to the neighborhood dog park. Kitsune was a little snappy (as usual) but overall, I was pleased with the girls. They were playful and polite with the other dogs. They played with a 10 month old German Shepherd puppy and a 3 year old Great Pyranese (it's so fluffy!!!!). What else happened that day? Well, for one, my pants were on fire!! (maybe this is a sign that I should stop smoking...) I accidentally ashed on my pants, and yeah... Kitsune's poop flung on Rifqa's toe. To end the night, Dennis & Dan went their separate ways, and when CC came home, the girls went to Outback for dinner. I had a few drinks... and accidentally dropped my IPhone in my sweet tea. Yeah, shit sucks. It surprisingly works, but the volume for ringtones is super low, and the home button is stuck. It's been in a bowl of rice for a few days. I'm going to leave it in for another 2-3 days, and hope for the best. I can't afford a new phone right now, and I want to wait until the IPhone 5 comes out to upgrade.

SATURDAY: Since CC was home, I left Kitsune with her (she has horrible separation anxiety) and took Juju to intermediate obedience class with Carol. She was such a good girl! She was a little nervous at first (I think because she was separated from Kitsune, and also the fact that this class was filled with new dogs... new big dogs...) but was very focused and obedient in class. We'll see how well Kitsune behaves this upcoming Saturday. I don't really remember the rest of the day...

Yesterday, I pretty much slept the entire day which explains why I'm still awake at 3AM. I'm planning on just staying up, and running over to Burke in a few hours to spend the day with my mom. I've been in a pretty sour mood and need some mommy-daughter time. ♥

Let's keep it short: hubby comes home from deployment in a little over 4 months (I'm excited, but also freaking out because neither of us have jobs right now...), I start class on Tuesday (Juju's 1st birthday!!!), I'm thinking about job hunting even though hubby said not to, I want to chop all my hair off (hubby will kill me!!!) but everyone wants me to have long hair for the wedding, stupid wind a few nights ago broke the fence in the backyard, the electric bill came in and it's almost $500 (holy moly!!!)... blah.

Okay, I'll update more later...

I can't do this anymore . . .

I'm trying to stay strong and positive, for everyone... but there's only so much I can take. I'm an Army wife of a deployed soldier, my mother has breast cancer, David and I are new homeowners (and it has all sorts of issues, and it's getting really overwhelming dealing with it alone), I am still jobless (David said to take some time off to focus on my mom and school, but the mortgage & bills are a LOT more than both of us anticipated).

I want to give up. I just want to say, fuck the world, and give up.

Dear Mom . . .

Dear mom,

You are the strongest and most kind hearted person I know, and I am so proud to be your daughter. I admire your positive attitude, and hope that I can be half the woman that you are.

When you first told me about your breast cancer, I was mad at the world. I kept asking God, "why her? She has done NOTHING wrong. Why my mom?" You came out of the surgery like superwoman. I know you must have been in so much pain, but you got through it. I bet chemotherapy makes you feel like you want to throw up all the time, and makes you feel miserable, but you continue to smile like nothing's wrong.

Every day, you continue to surprise me with your strength.

The day you came to my apartment and told me (and Sherrie) that you were diagnosed with breast cancer, I was broken. After you guys left, I cried. I cried and cried and cried. But I remembered what you told me. You said you don't want us to cry. You asked us to stay positive, for us, and for you.

So I am.

That's why I smile every day. That's why I laugh and make you laugh. That's why I brought cupcakes to chemotherapy. Sometimes, I still think that this situation isn't fair, but I am going to stay positive. I'm going to continue to smile and laugh, for you. You are my best-friend, and the best mother that anyone could ever wish for. I hope that one day, when David and I have kids, I am just like you.

The perfect mom.

I know the next few months... years... are going to be hard, but I am going to be here for you. No matter what. Until the end. Fighting!!! ^^*

I love you so much.

Kitsune and her separation anxiety.

Meet Kitsune. She is me and David's 19 month old Shiba Inu. Let me rephrase this: She is our 19 month old Shiba Inu with severe separation anxiety.

She cries and lets out her best "Shiba scream" whenever I leave her side. If I"m on the third floor, so is she. If I'm downstairs, she's by my side. Cute? Not when she's crated. It has gotten to the point where she bites her crate, hoping to free herself. Yup, metal crate... bars bent and everything! Poor girl. Sometimes I come home and her gums are bleeding.

So, Shiba/dog owners, please let me know if this is AT ALL possible: Kitsune was from a pet store. People would play with her, then "give her back." Do you think that this separation anxiety is because she thinks I'm going to leave her, forever? I wonder if dogs can remember that far back.

Well, I'm not going anywhere. I just wish she knew that.

Dear David . . .

Dear David,

I don't think you regularly read my blog, but I still want to dedicate one entry to you.

First off, let me thank you for the beautiful flowers and card for Valentine's day. I told you that I didn't want you to spend any money, but you surprised me, yet again! I don't know if it's because I wasn't expecting it, or whatever other reason, but your card brought a tear to my eye. It's so rare for you to show affection, so when you do, it's extra special. I am so proud of you for doing what you're doing over there, and so incredibly proud to be your "one and only." ♥

Secondly, thank you for your love and support. You are my rock. And, even when you're all the way over in Iraq, you still manage to be there for me. I felt so selfish even pondering whether or not I should wait to find a job, but then you reassured me that everything would be okay and said to put my mom first. [After discussing with David, we have come to the conclusion that I will focus on school, wedding, and of course my mother's recovery, and wait a few months to look for a job.]



My parents were thrilled with this decision, and my mother was touched that you were so supportive with this decision. Yet another reason why she feels so blessed to have you as a son-in-law.

I hope that these next few months fly by as quickly as possible, for multiple reasons; I want mom to go through chemo, radiation and recover quickly, and I want you home!!! I can't wait for us to be reunited again. Just four more months baby!!!

I will strive to be the best wife, daughter, sister, friend, dog owner, and just person in general... for the next few months, and forever more. I want to cut out all negativity and strive to be the positive, kind person that I can be. I want to help others, and be others' support. Yes, there will be bad days, but I will just have to think of all the positive things upcoming in my life: your homecoming, our wedding, having kids and growing old with you.

Okay, this entry is getting overly mushy, and it's making me miss you so much. More so because I'm listening to Brian McKnight's "6 8 12."

Anyways, thank you so much sweetie, for everything. I will forever be grateful to be your "one and only." Thanks for choosing me. I won't make you regret it. :) I love you. xoxo. ♥

Love,

Your wife.

Flowers from Iraq.

Babe surprised me with flowers!!! I was very surprised. After a day of chemotherapy with mom, and having to deal with more serious issues than a Hallmark holiday, this was the perfect way to end the day. I teared up a little reading the card. I miss him so much. I just have to be strong for a few more months and soon enough, my hubby will be home!!! I love you so much babe. Thank you for everything. Happy Valentine's day! ♥

Chemo and cupcakes.

First off, I would like to say a big *THANK YOU* to Junnie Han! She is a family friend of David, and also the person making our wedding cake!! Well, she was kind enough to bake over 2 dozen cupcakes for my mom to enjoy during her second chemotherapy session today. Dan and I walked around, offering them to the people who work there & the other patients after my mom grabbed one. Something as simple and silly as offering a cupcake to them, was something that touched them so much. Anyways, thank you Junnie for your sweet gesture. The cupcakes were gone within a few minutes. ;)

Here's some pictures she took of them - strawberry & red velvet.


Anyways, the reason I'm updating is not because of the cupcakes (although, they were quite delicious!!!). I have a lot on my mind today. Mom's chemotherapy session got me thinking... I've been job hunting for over a month now; sending out resumes, going on interviews, etc. David has been supporting me for the past few months, and I am ever so grateful, but I do need to find my own job. Yes, we've been managing fine, but what happens when he comes home from deployment? I'm sure he will find a job fairly quickly, but there is no guarantee. And with an upcoming wedding, and more importantly, our new house... we cannot afford for either (if not both) of us to be without a job. I would love to put a hold on the job search, at least until my mom is done with chemotherapy & radiation... but is that realistic? I want to be there for her. I want to see her every day, make her laugh, be her support, be there for her... and make each and every one of her appointments, but with a job, that will be tough.

I have a good feeling about this job I interviewed for last week. I have a second interview with them tomorrow (I'm meeting the boss). They seem pretty flexible; it's 30 hours a week and I would be able to work from home 4 out of the 5 day each week. There's some pro's and con's about this. Working from home would be great, but honestly, with the dogs here (hello distractions!!!), I would probably take my laptop over to Starbucks and work. I would most likely have to give out my personal numbers to clients, use my personal money for office supplies (ink, paper, stamps, fax machine, scanner, etc.) and my biggest reservation about this, is that I'm all about separating work & home... and this would be the complete opposite. I do not want to receive work phone calls after hours, on the weekends, etc. Now, since they are flexible, I would be able to see my mom pretty much any time I wanted, and make most (if not all) of her appointments. But, a company can be understanding for so long, and I understand- as understanding as they can be, they are running a business... Blah. What to do... The money IS very good, and it seems like a pretty good position. What do I do???

Anyways... almost time to feed the dogs. I dread this part of the day, only because Juju has food aggression and I have been working on "fixing" this for over six months now. I envy people who can just put bowls of food down for their dogs. I have to feed my dogs in their crates, otherwise Juju will attack Kitsune. Blah.

I love classical music.

I cannot get enough of classical music. I think a big reason is because I grew up listening to it and learning how to play it on the piano. I started playing piano before I was 5 years old, and played for over fifteen years. (I also played violin for 4 years, and flute for 2 years, but those don't count LOL) One of my absolute favorite composers is Chopin. I cannot get enough of his music. I listen to it at home, I leave it playing for the dogs when I leave the house, I play it in the car, I play it while I work out... I absolutely lOoOoOoOoOoOve it. ♥

Twenty-three going on to seventy?

It's eight o'clock on a Saturday night, and what am I doing? Staying home! Sometimes I feel like I"m seventy instead of twenty-three. I would rather stay home with my dogs, order food, and watch tv, instead of going to a bar or club. I don't know if it's because I finally own a home, or if it's because I'm boring. I would rather go out to lunch and coffee with a friend during the day, than do something at night. Meh, that's just me I guess.

So... I saw my best-friend today! It sucks that we don't live close. Especially since she's my maid of honor and I need help planning. I miss her all the time. It's nuts though. We don't even talk on a daily basis, but when we see each other, it's like no time has passed. It was nice catching up with her, but I wish we had the entire day.

After lunch at Panera, and coffee at Starbucks, I gave her a tour of my new house, and we just talked on the couch. Well, more like me laying on the couch because of my cramps. After she left, I was debating on whether I wanted to take Kitsune & Juju over to Petsmart. Well... I got my lazy ass up, and did. So glad that I did too!

We ended up going to Petsmart to get some treats (I've been giving them pieces of string cheese but it's been making them extremely gassy). I weighed them too; Juju weighs slightly under 19 pounds, and Kitsune is still 13 pounds. Juju definitely leaned up and shed her puppy fat. I swear, she's built like a tank! AND she still pulls like a sled dog. She's still slightly skiddish towards strangers, but it's getting better.

Petsmart didn't have the Zukes peanut butter treats that I like, so we went to Petco. We went to Petco more to see the people who work there, who I became close to. I used to live across the street, so the girls and I saw them on our daily walks. Two guys came up and were asking what type of dogs they were, how old, etc. (It's so amusing to watch people trying to pronounce "Shiba Inu." Is it really that hard??? She-ba-eeeeee-noooooo...) The girls have PINK camouflage martingale collars on and PINK & camouflage leashes, yet people still ask me if Juju is a boy!

Our mini trip to the pet store was fun. Even with all the girls' quirks, I am extremely lucky that both girls love the car! I have two stuffed animals in the back seat, so they climb in, snuggle with them, and fall right asleep. Cutie pies. ♥

I had a little bit of an emotional breakdown last night... well, almost. I was feeling angry and emotional. I mean, I've felt that way for a while now, and it got worse after my mom told me she was diagnosed with breast cancer... but yesterday... I just felt like I was on the verge of tears. Well, turns out I got my period. That explains a lot! LOL. I'm an emotional, hormonal wreck! Blah.

Oh, I lost 7 pounds! I guess it's a start? Before David left for Iraq, I had lost 20 pounds, and just hit a plateau. I need to start walking the dogs more and eat healthier. I mean, I do have a wedding dress to fit into in about 9 months! And, of course my mom just HAD to order the dress two sizes smaller than the one I tried on. So, I have no choice but to lose weight.

Okay, well off to find some food, and relax with the girls for a few hours before I head to bed. I have to wake up early, walk the dogs, head over to meet up with David's family friend (she's making our wedding cake, but she also offered to make my mom some cupcakes for Valentine's day, so I'm going to meet her and pick those up! So sweet of her!!!), spend some time with mom (she's shaving her head tomorrow... I think it's a control thing. I think she would rather shave it all off, than wait and see when it falls out from the chemo... sigh), then come back home to my babies.

I thought Shibas were supposed to be smart.

I let the dogs out in the backyard to run around & go to the bathroom about five times a day. That is on top of 1-2 walks a day, each walk 30 minutes to 1 hour. When I got home today, I let the dogs in the back, and Kitsune pooped. I fed them, and less than an hour afterwards, Kitsune felt the need to leave me a little present at the front door. At first, I just thought she farted (her farts smell HORRIBLE), but this was just gag-worthy. I went and looked, and yup! she pooped.

It's SO frustrating. I don't know what to do! I'm trying to stick with the positive reinforcement... no yelling... no hitting... but in my opinion, it's getting me no where. The food aggression is still present and Kitsune keeps going potty in the house. UGH.

I. Am. So. Indecisive.

Okay, so I'm still working on this thing... can't make up my mind on what background or fonts to use. If you know me, you know that I am the most indecisive person you will ever meet in your life. Yup!

I made a new blogger account so I could strictly blog about my two Shiba Inus (since, well, they're basically all I talk about... other than the love of my life, and the fact that my mom has cancer...) but I figure, what's the point of having another blog? I'll just update on here.

As I am updating this, Dan is over playing some game called "Limbo" on Xbox, Juju is passed out in the little "nook" she has created on the couch out of the blanket, and CC (aka, my roomie!!) is snuggling with Kitsune... they look so cute together. I may have to post a picture, because it's just that cute.



And me? I just finished painting my nails red (I rarely paint my nails, since they usually chip the next day because of walking the dogs, doing dishes, etc.) and blogging. This weekend I'll be spending time with my best-friend (and maid of honor!!!) and spending time with my mom before her second chemotherapy session on Monday; yes, on Valentine's day.

Before I end this post, I'd like to ask a few things: (1) how do you remove the date/time stamp on this thing? Isn't there a date/time stamp at the bottom of the post anyways? I would like to remove the date/time stamp at the top of the blog entry to keep my blog S-I-M-P-L-E. (2) Why does Kitsune insist on peeing on the kitchen rug and the mat by the front door every freaking day?! The house is all wood floors, and she's been so good ever since we moved in, but she ALWAYS goes on the mat by the front door (I threw away the rug in the kitchen).

Shiba Inu . . . sled dog?

Thank you to ThePoochStore for Kitsune & Juju's new collars! The picture above shows them on their walk earlier today with their pink camo martingale collars. (pink because it's my favorite color, and camouflage to support their daddy - go Army!!!)

I used to absolutely dread walking the dogs, simply because Juju pulls like a sled dog!!! I never knew 20 pounds would be so hard to control! Kitsune doesn't pull as much, and she's only 13 pounds so she's much easier to control on walks. I've been walking them on harnesses, simply because I was too afraid of them slipping out of collars. I've switched to martingale collars because it's more control vs. harnesses, and it's so much easier to get on & off. So far, I LOVE them.

I took the girls out for over an hour... switching off between walking and jogging... and it was actually enjoyable! But man oh man, I let the girls out 3-5 times a day to run around in the backyard, and walk them 1-2 times a day (30 minutes - 1 hour each time) yet they NEVER get tired. I'm just hoping it's because they're young (Kitsune is 19 months and Juju turns 1 this month). *fingers crossed.

The Pooch Store

If you haven't been to ThePoochStore.com yet, you are missing out!!! Go check it out!!! It's run by a fellow Shiba owner. The quality of the products is amazing, and the customer service is just as great! Here are just a few pictures of the products I've received from them:

Kitsune & Juju in their collars with custom fabric.


Kitsune wearing her Hello Kitty collar.


Paracord leash in pink & dessert camouflage.


Juju in her Loyal Paws collar & paracord leash.

I think Kitsune is sick.

For the past few hours, Kitsune has been walking around with her head low, ears back, panting, heart beating extremely fast, shaking uncontrollably and gassy. Does anyone know what could be wrong???

UPDATE: Kitsune is A-OK! I think she was just anxious. I'm not really sure why, but when I woke up around 10AM, she was back to her normal, crazy, cuddly self. :]

Mom started chemo today.

Mom started chemotherapy today. She said it wasn't as bad as surgery, so that's good.

She seems to be staying positive. I love my mom, and sometimes I wonder what she did to deserve this. I know it's not about deserving it or not deserving it, but man, sometimes life is so unfair.

I'm just trying to stay upbeat and positive for her. F*ck what everyone else says and thinks. If they think I'm taking the situation lightly, or don't give a sh*t about my mom... well, they can kiss my ass. My mom and I share a bond that no one else does. I have nothing to prove, to anyone. So, I'm just going to do my own thing, and be there for my mom.

Anyways, her next chemotherapy session is on February 14. I told her I want to go with her, and be her support. I guess my mom is going to be my valentine this year! ;)

Love.

I have to admit, ever since I moved into the new house, I haven't been walking the dogs as much as I did at the apartment. I guess it's because now I have a fenced in back yard, so I just let them out back to run off some energy & go potty. The weather was nice out, so I took both the girls on a long walk. I think we were out for about an hour and a half. Yes, they pulled like sled dogs, but the walk was so enjoyable. The girls were happy. I was happy. It was a good day.

I got back, and checked my e-mail to see that David responded. I sent him an e-mail about getting a dining room set, and a treadmill, and just an update on the house, girls, etc. His responses are normally pretty short, which this one was as well, but just seeing a simple "I miss you!!!" and "Love you" put such a big smile on my face. My cheeks still hurt.

I've been staying in a lot, other than getting coffee with friends here and there, for a few reasons. One, my garage is so annoying!!! I can open/close it from the inside, but not the outside. So, anytime I want to leave my house, I have to open the garage, pull my car out, close it from inside, and go back in the house to leave through the front door. And two, because I'm still not working right now, so anytime I go out, I'm spending David's money. I know I know... what's his is mine and what's mine is his, but I still feel guilty. It's one thing if I'm using the joint account for groceries, stuff for the dogs, or house stuff... but I just feel like I'm abusing it when I go out for lunch with friends and use the joint account. David reassured me that it was okay, and it was the least he could do for me holding things down at home.

Seriously, I am the luckiest girl in the world. I can't even put into words how much I love my man. I can't wait for him to finish this deployment and come home. This house is so lonely and empty without him. I love you babe!!!

Well, back to sending out my resume and applying to jobs. I stopped working for my dad on December 17. So, it's been over a month of being jobless. This is the longest that I have been unemployed, and I hate it. Mainly, because it's making me lazy, and I need the money. I just have to keep sending out my resume, hope for the best, and not give up!!!

It's not a cold; it's cancer.

I'm getting really f*cking sick and tired of EVERYONE telling me I'm a bad daughter. I have absolutely nothing to prove. You think because I'm smiling that everything is okay? Just because I'm not crying 24/7 doesn't mean I don't care. Yes, I know she has CANCER. It's a serious situation. I am in no means, trying to make light of the situation; simply trying to stay positive for my mom, as she asked me to do.

It's just so hurtful to hear people accusing me of being a bad daughter. When she had NO ONE; when my dad was abusing her (verbally & physically), lashing out at her, when my sister was kicked out of the house because of rebelling (I don't want to get into detail), she came to ME. She told me I was the ONLY person she could turn to. So, you know what? If anything, my mom and I share a bond that NO ONE else in the family does.

The two people I love more than anything, are David and my mom. I would do absolutely anything for them. (MAYBE even eat a tomato!!!) Those two people are my WORLD; one has cancer, and the other is in Iraq. Life sure sucks sometimes, doesn't it?

Sigh. I love you both so very much. I'm so thankful to have you both in my life. ♥

I've been knitting/crocheting all my negative energy away, since I don't have a treadmill yet. I knit my mom a scarf, and Kitsune & Juju new collars. They'll have these on until I get a chance to ship ThePoochStore my custom fabric for their collars to be made. Well, back to knitting/crocheting while I watch The Dog Whisperer, then snuggle session with my Shiba girls.

These are the fabrics I bought for Kitsune & Juju's custom collars. The top one is for Kitsune, middle is for Juju, and the pink camouflage is for their martingale collars. Pink camo because they support their daddy. Go Army!

Do all Shibas love snow? Well, mine do!

Bye Mr. Kang!

I feel the need to update about the house situation, more specifically, Mr. Kang.

To make a long story short, Mr. Kang is/was/whatever an employee of my father. My dad may be a hard boss (have you read my previous entries?? haha) but he compensates for it. He was paying Mr. Kang one-thousand dollars EVERY week, and when I moved into my home (last Monday), my dad was paying him even more, to paint the house, and do the little repairs. Well, he didn't do anything by the time I moved in. But that's a whole other topic.

Anyways, he's moving back home tomorrow!!! He was originally going to rent the basement until David returned from his deployment. But, things just were not going well (business wise) between him and my dad. So, he decided to move back home. I am thrilled!!! Although, having a house all to myself is a bit lonely.

At first, my friends and I felt sorry for him. But, it's because he purposely made it seem like his life was so horrible and sad. He WANTED people to feel sorry for him. The more I got to know him, I realized he was a 'mooch' that loves to take advantage of people. First of all, he asked me to borrow money a few nights ago. Yes, only thirty dollars, but 1) I don't have a job right now, and 2) what about the $1,000/week?? WTF. Also, he's such an idiot. Any and every time friends come over, he is constantly asking them to look at his computer. I call him an idiot, because he's made the same mistakes, over and over again. Dumb ass. Whatever.

Okay, well I don't want to end this post on a bitter note...

I got a very important document in the mail today! I wish I could say what... ;)

Love.

I'm sitting in my new home, listening to Bruno Mars, and I feel happy. Yes, it's been quite the eventful past few weeks--mom, home, work, school--but I feel very thankful, and happy.

Last night, David and I were Skyping. We video chatted for almost two hours, and after we "signed off," I realized we were both laughing the entire time. We talked about him being overseas, and how it's so common for military wives/significant others to cheat while their husbands are overseas, stuff going on in the news, stuff about the house... and whether we were talking about serious topics or just missing each other, we were both in such high spirits. Then, he sent me something that just made me smile...

He sent me a "wish list" that he made on Amazon. It was eight pages, two of which were "gaming chairs." I scrolled through pages of dining room tables, bed frames, dressers and other things for the house. Then, a few things caught my eye. On the list was a picture frame that said, "daddy's girl" which he said, was for a picture of him and Kitsune (our first Shiba Inu; our first dog). Also on the list was a pink desk lamp. Why are these significant? They're just little things that in a very subtle way, show me that he's thinking about us, and miss us. To anyone else, they may be random materialistic things, but to me, it's him showing me that he's thinking about us. It definitely made me smile.

I'm losing my focus because Juju just ran in the computer room, looked at me, and then ran out. What a little weirdo/cutie. I can't believe she will be 1 next month! Boy, time sure flies.

Anyways, back to what I was saying . . .

Babe: I don't know if you even read this thing, but if you do, I hope you know just how thankful and appreciative I am of you. We may not be your typical, PDA showing, mushy-gushy couple, but you have your subtle ways to show me you care, and I notice. I know I've had my weak moments and hated this deployment, but deep inside, I know it's making us both stronger (as a couple, and as individuals) and you are doing it for us; our future. Thank you. I miss you so much, but soon enough, you'll be home, and we can start out lives together. I love you sweetie. Just a few more months!

Home.

Where do I start?

It's been an eventful and productive past few days. I'm finally getting over my cold. I caught a horrible cold over the weekend, along with cold sores on my lips from exhaustion & stress. Yuck.

Mr. Kang has been slacking on the painting, so dad hired someone new. I think his name is Melvin? or Elvin? Very nice, soft spoken Spanish guy. He's very quick and his work is really neat. He finished painting most of the bedroom and bathroom today. I think he should be done by tomorrow, which means I can move all my furniture in by Friday morning (latest).

The office is finally set up, and because Kitsune & Juju have been getting anxious anytime I walk away, I put up a baby gate, and they stay in here when I'm using the computer. They seem to like it. Actually, they love it. I set up a portable soft crate with a bed inside, and brought up a few of their toys. Once Melvin/Elvin finishes the bedroom, I'll probably let them sleep in here since the kitchen will be getting painted (which is where their crates are). David doesn't allow dogs in the bedroom, and if I kept them in there, they would be going up and down the loft-closet. Yeah, I don't really want to deal with that...

I've been sending out my resume like crazy. I found one for an animal hospital, super close to home (10-15 minutes away!) and it sounds awesome. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I NEED a job, ASAP. I need to get out of the house and DO something, and well, I have a $6,000 credit card balance that needs to be paid off! I was hoping to get right back into school, but with my mom's situation, and dad's business being a little slow right now, it may be tough to shell out $1,700 every 5 weeks for classes. I'll have to talk to him about that. My parents support my education 100% but I don't want them to struggle.

I want to end this update with a huge * THANK YOU * to the love of my life, Sgt David Kim. He is my ROCK. I don't know what I would do without him. He is too good to me. I love you baby! I can't wait until this deployment is over so you can come home and we can start our lives together. I miss you so much, and the house is so lonely/empty without you. Sending positive thoughts & lots of love your way! ♥

Apparently, I'm a bad daughter.

So... according to the whole world, I'm a horrible daughter for not visiting my mom at the hospital after her surgery.

First of all, I did not have any information about her surgery. All I knew was that she was going on Thursday, and that's it. I tried contacting my dad several times, but no response until the actual surgery was over. He text messaged me saying, "mom's in recovery now." I didn't want to see her Thursday because she was exhausted and so many people already went to go see her, my in-laws included. When my mother-in-law didn't see me at the hospital, she felt the need to call me multiple times throughout the day to remind me what a horrible person I am for not being there for my mom. Even if I wanted to see her that day, I didn't have any information about where she was at. I had no clue which hospital, which building, and which room she was at.

Last night, after my sister told me my mom was at INOVA, I called the hospital saying I was her daughter, asking for her information. Unfortunately, visitor hours were done for the day. So, I went to bed planning on going to see her in the morning and possibly bringing her home.

I called my dad to make sure she was still there, because I didn't want to show up for no reason, but of course, he didn't answer his phone. I text messaged him multiple times, and same thing. Finally, he picked up the phone, saying I didn't have to come because he was already there, and just hung up. Great. Thanks dad.

And mind you, this is after multiple unanswered phone calls to multiple family members. So guys, it's not like I didn't try.

I let that go, and was planning on seeing her tomorrow at the house, after she's well rested and settled back in at home, but of course, a few people had to call me and remind me what a shitty daughter I am. Again, thanks guys.

I just want to say a big FUCK YOU to all you guys that want to label me as a bad daughter. Really? Do you guys know that when my mom felt isolated from her husband and other daughter, that I was the ONLY person she turned to? Do you guys know that she told me she feels like she only has me, and that she feels closer to me than her husband? Do you guys know that she calls me her favorite daughter? Yeah, probably not. I really don't need to hear this bullshit from you guys.

If you don't have anything nice to say, then keep it to yourself, and fuck off.

Fuck you, cancer.

I wanted to update about the past two weeks I spent with David, but there's more important things to talk about now... I'll update about our time together in another post... when I'm feeling more up-beat.

My mom called me earlier this evening and said she wanted to come over to the apartment with my dad and sister because she wanted to, "talk." So, they did.

I'll cut to the chase -- my mom has breast cancer.

When my mom told me, I just sat there, looking at my hands, cold, frozen, numb. While my dad looked gently at her, and my sister sobbed, I was numb. They were only here for about 30 minutes, and then left. When they left, the waterworks began.

My mom was scheduled to have her spinal surgery this upcoming Thursday because of her severe slip disc. She has had several epidural + steroid shots, and gone to physical therapy for over a year, but things just worsened. Now, that surgery has been postponed, and the breast cancer is the bigger issue. She's having surgery this Thursday to remove the tumor, along with 6+ months of chemotherapy. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers. She is my world. ♥

David just left for the remaining 6 months of his deployment in Iraq, so I'm stuck moving alone. I didn't shed a tear when he left because I wanted to be strong. I was doing okay, until tonight... now, I'm overwhelmed with emotion.

I'm going to keep this post short. Too many things going through my mind...

I love you mom. Stay strong.